EXCLUSIVE: The secret behind NASA’s asteroid sample capsule
In this exclusive report, I reveal blockbuster inside information from the virginiastoner.com investigative team, concerning NASA’s asteroid sample capsule. It turns out the capsule is far more sophisticated than its deceptively simple appearance indicates—this is no mere container for asteroid dust.
As the story goes, the capsule was ejected from the spacecraft OSIRIS-REx, and fell gently to Earth from 63,000 feet with the help of parachutes, landing as you see it here, right on target in the high desert of Utah.
Who needs moon landings to impress, when NASA has a now-proven ability to create pristine landings of small containers on Earth, with no signs of damage or tumbling? If NASA hadn’t told us otherwise, I’d think the capsule had been carried there by hand, not dropped from 63,000 feet. Anyway, whether dropped or carried, NASA deserves props for a tidy presentation, with no obvious footprints or tire tracks.
Our amazing discovery
Through our investigations, we discovered that the asteroid sample capsule is actually a Transformer—capable of changing at the touch of a button from a plain, unassuming container that looks like a barbeque, into an actual barbeque, capable of producing out-of-this-world, mouth-watering steaks, burgers and hot dogs. It even lights automatically, provided there’s sufficient oxygen in the atmosphere—which, fortunately for the capsule recovery team, there is here on Earth.
In this photo obtained exclusively by virginiastoner.com, the NASA team fires up the OSIRIS-REx grill after a hard day collecting ‘asteroid samples’ on the high desert. Principle Investigator Dante Lauretta stands by with kosher hot dogs; NASA Sample Return Capsule Science Lead Scott Sandford takes charge of artisan buns; while Astromaterials Curator Francis McCubbin photographs the historic 2023 Asteroid Sample Capsule Mission and Cookout. McCubbin was also responsible for condiments.
Obtaining this photographic evidence wasn’t easy, and involved a lot of both preparation and luck. First, our team strapped nano-cameras to the hardiest desert flies we could find, using tiny backpacks meticulously handcrafted from eyelash extensions. Second, we approached the anticipated capsule landing site as close as possible (which unfortunately wasn’t close at all) and released thousands of tiny fly troops, crossing our fingers that at least one of them would find its way to the NASA team to feed. It turned out we needn’t have worried, because NASA is a favorite food of flies, and they can smell it for miles.
Hey, NASA—your secret is out. So next time, invite us to the barbeque.